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I've finally admitted it. I'm a bad friend. Not in the figurative sense, and not in the literal sense, just in a sense that I understand. Let me explain. Talitha, she's been my best friend for over two years. I swear we are soulmates in a kinship sort of way. I can talk to her for hours about nothingness, although silence is something that never occurs, I sure we'd be ok with it if it did. Our families are completely alike, both of us experiencing an abominable fatherly figure, and I say figure for a reason. Besides that, she's totally rude, and I can still stand her. That shows something about our friendship, or at least it does in my concept of friendship. We have these great ideas sometimes, "let's design a restaurant!" and we ususally start, but naturally we give up after a while, but I've never regretted trying. The feeling of a new idea is just exhilirating in itself even if it doesn't show much fecundity. I'm veering away from the subject once more, she does that a lot too, no wonder our conversations last for hours. I remember numerous late nights arguing with her aobut various subjects, although we completely agreed with each other, it was just fun at times to take on a position and argue it. She always said I was over my head in Impromptu speaking.
Our morals are exactly alike. Both of us slip at times, and other times we hold our guard and use our diatribing abilites toward whoever decided to go and try smoking that day. I remember us complaining about grades hours on end and then dissing other people for being stupid, when in reality they had grades very similar to our own. We were both modest and bashful around each other, but never missed a chance to slander each other. But that vilification was only performed when we were around each other, when others were concerned, both of us knew we'd stick up for each other through any lemon parade. We were very much like sisters, or actually more like brothers. We both would never admit to each other we were best friends, neither would we exchange words or presents of that mooshy friendship sort. We were more like beer buddies who didn't drink. So why am I speaking in the past tense? She's still my best friend, I'm just not hers. Well, she thinks I am, but she doesn't know the truth. I'm a bad friend and I know it. My only explanation for my fatuous behavior is my foible as a hopeless romantic.
I read the classics, but I have to bring down my mask and admit I've read my share of romance. Myra's Stories, the epitomes of all tear jerkers. And then the "Create you own world," stories, emotionally overpowering. And then Walls, the story that seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Maybe Hanson should do a cover on that. Anyway back to Talitha, and my hopeless romantic side. I want to meet that dream guy, you know, the one and only, humor, intelligence, caring, looks as a bonus, person. But mostly I'm just looking for a guy who will love me unconditionally. I want to know that the first person I kiss, is the one who will eventually marry me. A little far reaching huh? But I'm going to stick by it, and this maxim I have laid out for myself is causing tremendous fiction, ambivalence, in my mind. My silly little quest is causing me to push my Talitha over to the appendage category, rather than as a prominent best friend. Every new guy I meet, I try to get to know completely. I would not call it flirting. Far from it. I try to extract every single little detail of a guy's life, and then soon realize that he's not the one for me. At least thats how it has been so far. It sounds like I'm some sort of player. Not true. Theres no touching or kissing, just talking. The guys I get to know, still remain friends with me, many still are some of my best friends, they're just not the ones. I'm sure they never really liked me as more than a friend in the first place.
So what has this got to do with Talitha? Talitha isn't exactly Ms. Popular, although she deserves it for beign such a great friend. She has a few very high fidelity type friends like me, but not many at all. But my fatuous mission has ended up gracing me with more than my fair share of friends. But none of them are anything like Talitha. The only problem is that I don't know how to set my priorities right. When Talitha asks me over to her house for the usual chat, and when the guys ask me to come over and play a game of Risk, I have many times, gone with Risk. Risk the evil of mankind. I have been trying to trick myself into believing that I only choose Risk, over Talitha because of my intense love for the game, but it's not true. I like spending time with the guys. However Talitha doesn't. This has all ended up with me making excuses about why I can't go over to her house, and I'm running out of what I force myself to believe are white lies. There are two levels of friendship, and I'm sure I want the level of friendship that I have with Talitha, but my fruedian instincts kill this morally correct thought. Many times going out with the guys is just more exciting, even if I feel a little out of place being the only girl at the Arcade. This is getting very twisted and laborous. My life's a little twisted, at times dizzingly sweet and at others melancholic. A sea breeze cocktail of sorts. I don't drink, but a sea breeze cocktail looks nice, today's a bluesy day.
Jordan Lee is probably my next best friend after Talitha. He's Chinese American. Very down to earth kind of guy, nice almond eyes. He's nice, caring, humor is not one of his strong points, but I laugh around him anyway. He was one of the guys I met and knew the first time we did, that we'd be great friends, never more though. And that he is. I have numerous little secrets that no one knows about, but of those people do know about, Jordan knows them all. Jordan's girlfriend Arpi, (prounced R-P) is a bubbly kid. She's just amazing. Anyone from Croatia is pretty amazing in my eyes. They make a great couple, but something foreboding about their relationship is in my mind, I just don't know what. I hope they last, unlike the other relationships at our school. Our school...another subject I'd like to touch upon since a transition has been mentioned. I live in Singapore. No, its not some city near New York. It's in Asia, and everyone in Asia doesn't speak Japanese. Just to set the record straight. Living in Asia is an experience every person needs to feel and only then will they understand. Its nothing like the States, or at least that's what I have infered from contrasting Virgina where I have lived for 8 bright years of my life, to the many I have spent here. Back to school. International School's tend to have a very snobby reputation, and it fits our school, at least most people. There are others of us, namely my group of friends who are academically oriented, and have our half goals and fickle ideas that don't involve illicit substances. Life here isn't a blast, nor is it dreary, its simply different.
*****************************
Yeah, I see him. And I don't feel that Jordan, "only friends" feeling. Its not an "I want to marry him" feeling either. Just an immense tingly feeling. He said hello first. Thats a change. Not many people are apt to introduce themselves, first because we're a timid type of group on the outside, and furthermore, he's new. Of course he's Taylor Hanson. Yes my one and only teen obsession years ago, appears out of the blue. wonder if he's ready for my little mission. I feel like screaming so loud they could hear me in Timbuktu, but I'm happy I have a little control over my actions. Enough to return his unexpected greeting.
"Yeah, I know you know who I am, don't scream or anything."
Hm, did I detect a tone of smugness? I hoped not. Just to make sure...
"Hey, watch out, your chin seems to be glued to the ceiling there."
"Sorry."
I wonder if thats sincere. I'll just be optimistic for now.
"How'd you get to this little city anyway?"
"My dad, as you might or might not know, worked for an oil company. Well after a while, our album sales hadn't been as large as before and my dad had a lot of free time on his hands. So he rejoined the oil company, and we've been posted here. He works at the oil refinery on Pulau Ubin"
Oh goodie, a guy who knows where his parents work as. I am totally frustrated by the fact that most kids today have no idea what their parents do half the day. Thats one point for Taylor Hanson. I guess I should add a few points just for the fact that he is Taylor Hanson, but I'll try not to be too materialistic. He's talking to me like he talks to the Press.
"Hm, thats nice."
"How about you?"
Under normal circumstances, I would wonder how he could be so outspoken. I know if I had just moved half way across the world I'd be a little apprehensive, Asia is slighlty different from living in the U.S., and meeting new people wasn't a fun experience if I remember correctly. I surmise it's a little different if your'e some big pop star.
He is definetly not shy, half the Hanson fans have been derailed again.
"My dad, is an economic anaylst for Drew and Napier, and my mom is an engineer at IBM"
"Oh cool."
"Hm, yeah."
I hate silences. They're not awkward, but I feel like someone's not opening up to me if there's a silence. Then again, I just met this guy. Taylor Hanson. Most people at our school are "too cool" for Hanson, so I don't think he'll be getting the greatest welcome. I guess its settled then, hes sticking with us.
"Let's go eat lunch Taylor"
"Uh ok."
I think he smiled a little. It's always nice to feel accepted. I was glad he wasn't looking to sit with the "cool" people. Then again, I had this bugging feeling that he would eventually. Maybe I'm just a pessimist.
"So are you going to continue with your music here?"
"Yeah definetly."
"That's cool. You need to play for me sometime. Your brothers too."
"Yeah no problem. So you're a fan?"
"I guess you could say that. Sorry, I don't have any close up butt posters of you though."
"I can get one done just for you."
"Oh thanks."
"Sure."
Oooooh. Point number two for Jordan, better known as Taylor. He can be sarcastic and not let on after a while. He's grinning. I'm feeling tingly again, dammit.
"Yeah our tables over there by Burger King."
"Wow, Burger King, and Dominoes, this is heaven."
"I like the Chinese food here better, its not healthier but they've got vegetarian food."
"You a health nut?"
"Nope, I'm just vegetarian. Just been brought up that way. And, I don't eat salad."
"Don't worry, my cousin's vegetarian, and not for dietary reasons, and I know what you mean."
"That's a change."
"Wow, these Burgers are expensive."
"Convert to US dollars Taylor..."
"Oh, Whoops."
"It's still expensive."
"Yeah, just a few cents though."
"Why are those ladies staring at me funny?"
"They aren't. The Burger King ladies stare at everyone like that. They sort of back off if you speak Mandarin, but that's just how they are."
"You speak Mandarin?"
"In a pathetic kind of way, yeah."
"Wow, cool."
"You should meet Jordan, he's Chinese American, absolutely fluent in the language."
"Who's Jordan?"
"He's sitting right there, by the trash can."
"Oh, man your cafeteria's getting crowded."
"It get's worse."
"Ouch...hm, this Coke tastes different."
"There's more sugar in it. Anyway, lets go sit down."
He seems pretty likeable. But I know better than to judge people by first impressions. Who knows, the great Taylor Hanson, may just turn out to be to psycho serial killer we're all paranoid about. He's already started to get people staring at him. Hanson hit it off pretty big in Singapore a few years ago, but I guess the hype never enveloped anyone except me at our school. And I have my internet bill to prove it. The first day I heard the opening chords of MmmBop, a song I downloaded on a sudden whim, I was completely in love with it. It reminded me of that song "Two Princes," you know, the one that goes, "and if you'd like to talk for hours, just go ahead now, and if you'd like to buy me flowers, just go ahead now..." Music in the early 90's was very different, although the Millenium never really brought out any music comparable to Hanson in my opinion. The Beatles had caught my attention and won me over before Hanson, but Hanson was definetly worthy of a standing near the Beatles who never lost their popularity.
My friends are looking at me like I turned into a mole or something. Guess it's time to introduce Taylor, although they all know him, after being forced to listen to the Middle Of Nowhere during every free we had together. I never had the chance to buy their other albums, although I did own a casette tape of the original MmmBop and Boomerang, that an absolutely sweet girl was nice enough to mail to me.
"Yeah, this is Taylor, Taylor Hanson."
He didn't blush, like I had expected. I feel like I already know him after reading so much fan fiction. I obviosly don't.
"Wow, a real pop star."
Leave it to Jordan to come up with the profound statement with his Yoda imitation. I was afraid this was going to turn into A Phantom Menace free for all. Yeah, oour group of friends have an intense obsession toward Star Wars. We quote left and right. Well I don't, but Jordan and Tom, definetly do. Don't get me wrong, we didn't wear the Jedi robes and carry around light sabers to the premeire in Singapore, but I'm sure all of us can atest to have read the script at least twice after the movie.
"Adventure, Heh!, excitement, Heh!..A Jedi craves not these things. A jedi must only strive to be MmmBopped "
I guess I should feel embarassed, seeing as my friend's are making complete fools of themselves. But the agape look on Taylor's face is priceless. He's still not turning red though. We fell into mirth. I don't know why our group laughs so much at the silliest things, but i guess if it were any other way, life at school would be hell. I suppose it's up to me to get Taylor feeling like he's in the right place.
"Ok guys enough, enough...."
Leave it to me to intefere at the wrong moment. Apparently Taylor is a TPM fan too. Maybe he does fit in here, more than I thought. Now, if he knew anything about Politics, I'd say that he was born to be sitting at this table. I'm pretty impressed, Taylor seems to know his Skywalkers. I think we need to have another Star Wars marathon, just to celebrate. I find excuses for Star Wars marathons in everything.
I'm making my proposition, before I forget
"Hey guys, I think this calls for another Star Wars Marathon, bring out the robes!"
Hm, groaning isn't an extremely felicituous repsonse in my opinion. But Taylor's face has a little glazed over look. Penny for his thoughts I thought to myself.
"Hey we used to do that in Tulsa!"
Just at the thought of Tulsa, I saw burning flames in his eyes. He must have enjoyed it there. It's always hard moving the first time. I was more than used to it. When you go to international School's you don't expect your friends to stay for very long. Three years ends up being a long time. Of those who move, many are just forgotten the next day. I wonder if that would happen to me.
His eyes are blazing azure. Butterflies everywhere, purple and silver ones, flying across his eyes, some settling in his golden hair. I see the ocean in his eyes. Rocking gently back and forth and back and forth. I hear whistling, soft, unchained melody, rhythmically. The eyes are staring, right at me. Whoops.
"Uh Karlen?"
My neck is just straining to move away my eyes away from his face. This is not good. I do not stare at people.
"Yeah sorry, my usual dream bouts. Anyway what did you just say?"
"Well we've decided. Taylor will just have to go through our Star Wars marathon initiation. Six hours of you staring intently at a television, waiting for the Skywalker clan to fight it out. Just remember don't pee in your pants. The video can be paused you know? Arpi's brother realized that too late last time."
"Oh, can it, Jordan," replied Arp's brother.
I can't help but grin. That had to be the funniest thing that had ever happened in all of our Star Wars marathons. Arpi's brother, I surmise, forgot to accomplish the mission mother nature had given him during the movie. He was too interested in Natalie Portman.
"Ugh, there's the bell....I can't believe school's started. I miss summmmmerrrrr."
"Oh get over it Jordy." Arpi replied caustically
I admired their relationship in more ways than one. It wasn't the ususal, "I'm so in love with you" kind of relationship. They were in love, but they saved their feelings for solely each other, just the way they looked at each other. The little glances they stole, the little presents Jordan would surprise her with, and the kisses Arpi discreetly blew his way. They tried to do it all inconspicuously, and they succeeded but I observe way too much, and this was one of the first things I noticed. It was heart warming. I doubt I'll ever have a relationship like that. I can just imagine myself finally marrying someone I never loved, but taking care of him as though I loved him. Does that destroy the sanctity of marriage? An interesting question Ally McBeal touched upon a few weeks ago. I still don;t know the answer.
*******************
"Hey Taylor," I call out across the hallway. He didn't hear me. I think he is talking to someone. Ashley actually. Ugh, of all the people. Leave it to her to turn into a teenie, after proclaiming her love for Korn just yesterday. And she's gushing. I wouldn't mind if that was all. The thing is that Taylor is just about gushing in her face nad throwing out adulation left, right and center."
"Ahem, uh Taylor."
I attempted to intefere in the conversation. Don't get me wrong. I'm nothing close to jealous. It's just Ashley. She's not a real person. She's one of those morphing barbie-dolls that sweep guys up for a ride, and then later make them crash just when the guy thinks she really does like him. It was bound to happen to Taylor.
"Hi Karlen. I'll talk to you later."
What an asshole, to say the least. No one has ever so blatently brushed me off. Maybe it wasn't that rude, but I take things personally. Well since I've already butted into their conversation, I'm going to stay and make my presence felt. Just in some place they won't see me...ok so I'm chicken shit...who cares.
"So Taylor, howcome I've never seen you before?"
She didn't sound bitchy at all. She actually had the perfect act. She was dressed half conservatively, but first impressions decieve. I've seen what she wears on weekends. It's not pretty, unless of course you're one perverse guy. There's no way Taylor could possibly see through her with her acting abilities.
"Oh, I just moved here from Tulsa."
"Cool. I have your album, Middle Of Nowhere. Yeah, I like that song Madeline."
"That's awesome. You should come over sometime, listen to some of our stuff."
"Yeah, yeah I'd like that."
She's acting all nervous. Hah! She's done this 60 billion times before. I wonder if she really has MON, it sounds like she knows about it. Both of them look like a pair of cherries. Geez. I think it's time to go. Taylor looks like he's seen the butterflies I was seeing before. Except the butterflies are flying around her oversized egotistical head.
******************** a few weeks later ********************
Well I'm sitting on my bed pondering over the events that have invaded my life during these two hectic weeks. Well Taylor, as I had expected, joined the "popular group." After that day he talked to Ashley, I don't think he turned back. Up Mt. Popularity, I guess he had those Hilary urges. It doesn't effect me very much that it's him, it just depresses me that popularity still matters when we're just about adults. What does that say about the world today? Not much at all. C'est la vie...but still...I wanted to have another Star Wars marathon...
Well besides Taylor, a lot more interesting things have occured. Tennis season started, which is of course a blast. Well that's what I thought, and then Cherry had to get in. What a messed up name. Cherry. Geez, her parents could have been a little more original than the fruit they dip in their Vodka. And just like those artificially sweetened cherries, Cherry, has a way of being artifically thickened, in both make-up, as well as her different personality layers. Oh yeah, not to mention the fact that she walks around trying to make her shoulder blades grind together. The only stifler, is that she is actually good at tennis. But I have a feeling that anybody who spends every summer at Nick Bolleteri's Tennis Camp in Florida (famous with the Professionals) would play just as well. She moved here from California. She wears neon orange dresses, need I say more?
I'm utterly tired. I always am. That's what everyone says these days. I'm sure that a decade ago it wouldn't have been quite the same. There's too much stress nowadays, too much reason to get a shrink. The world seems to be stuck in the middle of an aerosol spray can. The world needs a few billion bars of Kit Kat.
Cat said she would call me today. If any of you have seen "10 things I hate most about you," just picture Cat in the movie, and you have Cat, one of my closest friends. Known as the epitome of bitchiness to the rest of the school. But that uniquness, makes me have all the more reason to get to know her. She, just like anyone else who tries to be different, has an overbearing intellectual level, and a witty, sarcastic sense of humour. Her and Talitha get along great, due to their similar personalities, but Cat, is just about a million times more agressive than Talitha.
Sunday mornings, gotta love them. I sure am glad I don't go to Church. Just the flowers dancing outside, and the birds spraying their sweet sounds, give me enough reason to believe there is a God, whether he is Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jew, Buddhist or the God of any other organized religion, does not effect me. God might as well be a blender, I just know God exists. I'm not sure if I'm going to be condemned to Hell for this, or maybe never reach nirvana or reincarnate as a worm, but it's all I really believe in. I don't understand why you can't pray to God from anywhere, whether it's at night when you're about to go to bed, or when you're in a plane a few thousand miles in the sky.
I better answer the phone.
"Hey Cat."
"Since when have you been bored enough to wait for my calls?"
"Since you told me you were calling."
"Oh well, don't be such a loser in the future. That rhymes you know.
"Whatever you say Cat."
"You're a buttbubble Karlen"
"Ah, go bite a tree Cat."
"Thats alright, I just climb them."
"Ha-ha-ha Cat. Keep in mind that cat's have a problem getting down trees, and go through traumatic experiences once up there."
"Remember cat's have nine lives unlike you of the lowly human species."
"At least we don't spend them with unjustified fear at the top of a tree."
"Oh, man, Karlen, we gotta stop having these utterly pointless conversations."
"Pointless is a very generic term."
"Oh, can it Karlen."
"Alright, alright, just remember I won this time."
"Butt monkey"
"Alright Ms. Kitty Upchuck, where are we going today?"
"Let's go to church"
"Ah, what a great idea, after reviewing the fact that we aren't Christian's, and we woudl have no idea what to do once we were there...Where in the world did you get that idea anyway?"
"This mindless maze, I store up in the top half of me."
"Figures. Let's go."
"Go where?"
"Church, Ms. Upchuck."
"That was a quick twist in thought."
"You know me, I'm just whimsical."
"That you are. Hey, let's go to the Church by my house."
"Ok, but what exactly do you hope to achieve by doing this. There must be soemthing that actuated this strange thought you brought up..."
"Ok, fine, we have guests, and the girl, wh